Learning to See Right Side Up

How God transforms and restores through the things that hurt us, break us and tear us apart

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved to write stories.

She was a good girl, who followed the rules, stayed quiet, and worked hard. Her competitive nature and natural gifts helped her succeed in the things she cared about, like making good grades and being an athlete.

She was neat and tidy, even as a child. Her clothing was hung neatly in color order, and she spent her free time cleaning and organizing her room. She spent hours perfecting each project she worked on, not pleased until it was just right.

The scholastic book fair, new pens and paper, and the planner aisle at the store were her happy place.

She hated the spotlight, and was terrified of public speaking, despite being gifted with words. She didn’t want to make a scene or stand out, in case someone might notice she wasn’t the good girl they thought she was.

She chased approval and tried her best to be “normal”, to be like the other kids her age. But she always felt out of place, like she was too different, like no one else could understand the real her.

She enjoyed deep conversations, and had a google search history filled with a quest to unlock the keys to a meaningful, happy life - philosophers, mindfulness, and religion galore. But she kept those parts of her hidden, trying to avoid standing out.

All she wanted was to live a good life. She wanted to make a difference, an impact, to leave a legacy. But somewhere along the way, she found a blueprint to follow. Be a good student. Go to a good university, find a good career path- one with plenty of job security and a good paycheck. Be smart with your money, save, invest, follow a budget. Get married. Buy a home. Have kids. Raise them to follow the same formula.

And then she graduated college with an English degree and a business minor, looking to go into public relations. She moved to a small town, followed by moves every 6 months and never found that safe and fulfilling career. She got married and had a baby, but then she found out her baby was going to have Down Syndrome.

How was she supposed to follow that blueprint now? Things had already gotten so off track.

Spoiler alert. That girl was me.

But maybe you see little bits of yourself in that story too? Maybe you were a people pleaser, maybe you felt different or weird, maybe you chased perfection and found your identity in performance.

Today, many parts of that girl are still alive and well. I still find quotes and articles and books on philosophy and religion fascinating. I still enjoy a freshly cleaned home, hang my clothes in color order, and love a good pen and journal. At times perfectionism still shows up and I feel the need to compete and win. Deep conversations are still my favorite pastime.

But becoming a special needs mom has been the most healing journey for me.

God has little by little deconstructed my old life and formed it into something new, something different.

He took everything I thought I knew about life and myself, my dreams, and values and plans (the whole subconscious blueprint I was following)… and, at the time, it felt like He flipped it upside down.

I was so used to living turned around that I didn’t know how to recognize right side up when I saw it.